15 Tarsakh, 1502 DR
A lot has changed in a month.
I have gone on several missions for the Syndicate, now, with frequent trips between the hub and Loudwater proper. The road is a dangerous thing, something I knew from the time I arrived over a month ago, facing the metal bull. But there are hags. And fairies. And politicians so corrupt it makes my toes curl. But I smile, and show my tusks are not a dangerous thing.
Someone called me 'the leader' yesterday, after I berated them for a foolish choice. Coranzen, a drow with more sword that backbone. He is strong, and brave, but he is new. I do not know how to take this, as I do not consider myself a leader. Maybe I do. I feel as though people listen when I speak, and respect what I have to say, but I do not believe that is what it takes to be a leader. I stand up to injustice, and advocate for a nonviolent solution, as I have proven with the bandits near Secomber and protecting the Graylings when they came out of the woods and surrounded us, but a leader is more than this. A leader is...
A leader is--...
Not me.
On one of the first missions, I ruined the reputation of the Syndicate, and spent days repairing it with Ivor and Surx, two members I have come to enjoy. Ivor is a warlock with a pseudo dragon named Agrate, and Surx is a fey with a knack of changing his form (a trait that he utilizes to my agitation on occasion). We have returned multiple times since then to the city of Parnast, where we are getting plenty of missions. But I allowed a boy to join us on a dangerous mission. I made that choice, and felt the weight of it on my shoulders. I still do.
The Syndicate, itself, has expanded. Many members are buying homes and businesses, as I have hardly seen Yashir in this month. I am trying to do the same, especially since it is getting crowded around the Syndicate. I have taken up painting, and recently have been selling my series of paintings of Loudwater to get one step closer to that goal. Painting is different than dance; more permanent. I am trying to get comfortable with this forever quality...
Mimsy died yesterday. That felt oddly permanent, too. I nearly died the other day. That felt permanent.
I do not like permanence. I live for the ephemeral, the intangible and impossible to contain and hold down. This is what dance is for, the power of a moment, a movement, a gesture... But, I have found that I cannot save everyone, despite my best effort. I try. Gods above I try. Everyone around me needs to be permanent so I may flow freely around them. When they shift, when they fall... I feel stuck.
I feel rooted.
I am not a leader. I am not a rock for others to rely on. I am a reprieve from the weight of the world.
I am here to ensure everyone gets home, no matter what it takes.
I hope to continue to do so...
Until next month
Na'ima