We went to the beach.  Amara called me beef curtains.  What a bitch. 

Blathnat and I went skinny dipping.  Giant chicken monster showed up and killed us all.  Sent us somewhere...  

We met Cluckien at the River Strips in Limbo.  He is going to take us to Cluckhalla.  It’s where you go when you die.  Bummer.  Blathnat asked, “Why do men over 30 like birds?”  Because their relationships have gone stale says this guy...  Blathnat thought it’s because little boys like dinosaurs. 

He also said that Cluckhalla is wonderful.  We’ll be there forever.  Most start the day by pecking at the ground for a few hours until lunch and then switch to pecking at grass.  On Fridays they eat corn.  It was implied that we will turn into chickens when I asked if it was a problem we don’t have beaks.  No one’s ever left Cluckhalla before according to Cluckien. 

Amara had a panic attack.  She was really worried she’d lose her job.  I told her she most assuredly had because Be’bop is a bitch.   

Steven greeted us.  He used to be a sea serpent.  He let us know that turning into a chicken is a horribly painful transformation.  Wait till your arms and legs to blow off and you turn into an egg.  And you get a free Viking hat.  It rains corn on Fridays.  He played chicken with Blathnat.  She won.  I called him a bitch.  He said, “What do you expect?  I’m a chicken.”  

We knocked on the door of the oracle’s house and asked if there was a way to leave so that Amara could go back to work.  “What is it you do that is more important than eating corn on Fridays?”  said the incredulous oracle.  Amara created a block and tackle and tried to fish with it.  She caught a lobster.  There was a lot of talk about corn side dishes.   

There is a portal at the very top of the tree that leads up into the clouds.  It will take us back, as long as we don’t die here.  If we die, we are stuck. 

We started climbing the inside of the tree and were swarmed by little chicks and one big bat winged bastard.  I got stung and started turning into an egg.  I tried to hold on, but...

The Demonological Paradox 

I didn’t read the letter on the quest board.  Sue me.  Wesley explained that we received a letter from Faelan.  He runs a vineyard in Yeluma.  He wants the adventurer’s guild to come quickly.   

Introductions happened. Gary the ape alpha, or whatever, said he’s speaking to Ko’bal through his hat.  I didn’t hear a thing when I put on his tinfoil hat.  He did his normal handing our hair thing. I got comfortable with a little drink and smoke.  Bram introduced Mimic and said, “We fight stuff and try to keep it from hitting you.”  Gary pointed out he was the omega, what ever that means.  Dartan was all like, “All you need to know about me is my name.”  I laughed and called him EspressoDepresso.  Thanks for that moniker, Blathnat.  A doofy looking dude named Quercus and said, “My mom kicked me out, so I had to find a job.” 

I wasn’t paying much attention to the scenery on the trip as I was focused on scribing a scroll.  First class is like super comfy though. 

Caran Gaelack, the owners son, picked us up at the train station.  He told us recently their neighbor’s pets are going missing.  Also, a couple dudes Gayland, Toby, Bob, and his brother Rob, and their other brother Alan.  Also, Chris the stable hand.  They were all kind of idiots.   

The Yeluma papers have reported people doing magic and just dying.  One dude casted chill touch.  Dead.  One of the guys casted like astral projection and like died.  This reached the papers a week ago, but who knows how long it’s been going on? 

Caren’s dad was really worried with the guild stayed in Yeluma during the great pirate war which happened an undisclosed number of years ago. 

Our host gave us all a bottle of spice wine.  He introduced his daughter Elrin and his wife Elris.  Their middle child is at Springreach University.  It’s Blathnat!   

He explained that he thought something quite sinister was going on.  He’s heard through the rumor mill that people have been going into the woods and conversing with unsavory creatures out there.  When they return, they act very different.  Chris went in with a horse and neither came back.  He believes the creature are fey.  They don’t usually go into the woods unless it’s under the full moon for totally different reasons.  They’ve noticed some masked figures around a house in the city.  Which isn’t necessarily the weirdest thing as they use masks for all kinds of things, but these ones stood out.  In the woods we should go past the standing stones. 

We found effigies made of small bones.  The largest was likely a dog, but mostly cats.  The bone ears clued us in.  Dartan knew this was for sure done for an evil deity. 

Gary kept calling Dartan and Quercus betas and subjects.  Quercus seemed to embrace it. 

Gary pretended to be a druid and realized that the alter in the center of the clearing was an ancient druidic site for sacrifices to the first druidic circle. 

We continued deeper into the woods and found a series of nightmares.  Not the horses, like the bad dream, although there was a horse.  Kinda.  A few “horses” were just a human whose skin was stretched over the horse itself. There was also a human centipede.  I truly wish I didn’t know what that was.  

A centipede hag said, “Are cadavers really people still?”  She invited us to her home to discuss it.  Nah.  Well ok, but with misgivings.  There were three of them.  Damn it.   

The hags seemed to know a lot about us.  A creepy amount.  I asked why and they claimed they know a great deal of a lot of things.  They refused to clarify how.  They wanted to keep some secrets.   

They explained the cadavers came to them because they sought their son.  She assumed we came here to make a deal with him.  People want power, but don’t like the cost that it takes.  Sometimes when they use the power they’ve been given, they can’t handle it and they croak.  The bodies are brought back here and... disfigured.  Bob Rob and Alan were triplets the same person to begin with.  Turning them into a human centipede seems even more twisted now.   

The hags blamed their icky skin on the fact that no one brings them Retinal.  Vitamin A is wonderful for your skin apparently.  I don’t think any cream is going to fix the horror that was their faces.  They should have started a skin care routine centuries ago.   

One of the hags put on tea.  When it was offered to us, she explained the ingredients: 3 lunar moth wing, 4 wings from a dragon fly, the corn in your teeth you can’t get out (and the teeth with it), toe jam, a hint of jasmine, all wrapped in a cocoon of black widow silk.  She recommended sweetening it with raw sugar, not refined, to be classy.   

Dartan, pointed out that is in fact the hags fault they’re all dead.  They said people only received what they asked of their delightful son they birthed and grew so fast.  God damn, can you imagine that process?  Better yet, don’t.    

The son finds wayward souls who are troubled, upset, want to make a change, bring someone back, prove themselves, yada yada.  They come into the woods looking for someone to provide that to them.  The hags only provide information how to meet their son so they can watch him grow just like any mother would.   

He doesn’t have a name.  We’d have to find the book of names if we truly wanted to figure that out.  “Isn’t son his name then,” someone asked.  No, that’s a title.  His other title Demegoth. A Demegoth is a type of demon that feeds on pain and sorrow and is able to provide deals with people for what you would equate from a cantrip to a 7^th level necro spell for a blood price. 

They told us the secret to summoning him: build a bone effigy using a pet you sacrificed near the alter and he’ll come.   

I maybe sort of threatened them and they polymorphed Gary and I into chickens.  Bram agreed to leave, but not by walking the way she suggested.  We all wiggled out in one manner or another. 

We went to town to get a chicken, sacrificed it, and then built an effigy.  The Demegoth arrived.  I started thinking about tamales.  I told him that parents don’t allow stupid children to make bad choices and we should defend people from it.  EspressoDepresso started talking about making deals. I said he needed a spanking, and not in a sexy way.  I went back to thinking about tamales.  Bram got bored and punched it.  After we whooped its ass for a while it destroyed the effigy and disappeared. 

We went to the house of masked people.  Asking questions got a door slammed in our face.  When we broke in the woman cast fireball incinerating herself.  I found a note that said, “Don’t come in pairs.  Enter and leave at separate times.  Maintain the illusion of farmstead.  Bring pets keep them in the cellar.”  We returned all of the cellar pets and made 200 gold each.  Dartan tried to sell all the branded sheep from the farm that apparently had belonged to Rob, Bob, and Alan.  Since that wasn’t successful, he released all of the ewes and kept the ram as his slave.  I think it was a sex thing. 

We told Blathnat’s parents about everything we discovered, and that we would need to return another day to address the hags.  They gave us each 50 gold and a promise to pay the next crew’s train travel. 

Gary handed Bram the tinfoil hat.  I’m not sure if he was pretending to hear Ko’bal or not, but Bram did say he was being instructed to punch Gary.  Hard. 

Tamales are really good.

We’ve all been mildly inconvenienced lately.  Little curses like my lighters not working, Gary’s change in odor, Wesley’s ex-wives reaching out, and Bram bumping his toenail on doors.  Some creep was hiding behind Wesley.  He said he’d cursed the guild to not accept new members.  “You’ll be coming to my dinner party or you’ll be more cursed.  I’m bored and want company for a dinner party. 

He was serving lemon pound cake and left over Ko’bal.  Piprem was served canned soup and seemed to enjoy it.  Bram ate knuckle sandwiches. 

Our host asked if we were aware of “The Trolley Problem”.  It’s a recent thing that’s come up.  What happens if there is 5 people on the train tracks vs one person on another track?  Who do you choose to die?  Gary started talking into his hat and said this was still murder according to the dead.  Bram questioned if Ko’bal was actually dead.  Gary acted all squirrely.   

Our host tested how we interact with trolley car system in real time.  We are going to see which people we choose to save from a fireball.  One human woman, or 10 goblins?  We just couldn’t make any sense of this.  Then he threatened if we were to sneeze 7 times we would die.  Bram started sneezing.  I changed the woman into a giant ape and dragged Bram closer to the lever.  Bram made the trolley hit her.  Our host seemed disappointed.  

On the way to our next challenge Gary started on about Ko’bal again.  When is he gonna' just get over it?  Bram mentioned that a crab ripped Kobal in two. 

Our next challenge was a falling bolder, with a choice of 10 goblins or 20 kobolds.  Bram just put all 30 together and stopped the boulder.  I made a suggestion and was also uncursed.  I immediately lit up and the host asked if I’d seen the no smoking sign.  I don’t really care about his asthma. 

Gary and Pip tied themselves up for our next challenge.  Our host “pretended” to be a vampire and threatened to eat one of them.  Bram held him while Mimic saved our co-workers. 

He was so impressed with us that he asked us to fight his adult men.  How do you defend yourself against little, tiny vampire adult men?  With fists and weapons I guess.  He also brought out trolleys, and a t-shirt cannon. Then he dropped a boulder on my head and said I was stoned.  Truth.  Maybe that’s why I thought this chest tat was a good idea.

Wesley gathered us together to tell us about a cursed village named Willowcreek.  It keeps getting destroyed.  Why do they keep rebuilding it?  They are having some disappearances.  Wesley said he would start ignoring them if they didn’t pay so well.  He wished us good luck.  Shedon thinks they get their money through tax evasion. 

Willowcreek was an extremely convenient distance from Springreach.  It was right down the road. 

Ko’bal says he’s the nesting partner in the polycule of Alphas.  He argued with a mustachioed man that was a cigar aficionado that said he did not know what that means.  His name's Derek.   

Robbie Robert Robinson got here not long ago and found completely abandoned town.  They’ve gone from 30 down to 6 since they found this empty town.  This happened in 4 days.  I asked if they thought they were disappearing the way the previous inhabitants had, and he said this had obviously been the invasion with a Dulahan and a lot of undead.  Strange fish in the river that they keep eating that makes their thought swell up.  When I asked why they kept eating it he replied, “Clearly you don’t understand the level of laziness that fishing is.”  Robbie told us here is a cave, and a nice temple.  They have service tonight.  They drink communion and have out of body experiences.  That sounds fun.  Service is in an hour. 

The Sister told Gary that SRU is dirt cheap and could address his deficiencies. 

The cave is just up there.  They put up a sign that said, “Scary” because the sounds of wind coming out of it sound like moans and groans.   

Derek—the cigar aficionado—says Robbie is the better of the two priests.  His brother—the other priest Bobbie Bobberson—is still here.  Robbie he’s know for a little while.  Bobbie he’s known for a little bit.  Derek and Robbie used to work at a coal processing plant in Springreach.  He met Bobbie a few days ago.  Not showing up for food is how they notice they are missing.  The floors are always covered in wet mucus when they check for them in the morning. 

We went into an unlocked house and found opalescent mucus like oil on water all over the floor.  I asked The Sister if she would ask Robbie for a fish.  She said something about seeing a lot more of me in the near future.  What?  Was that a death threat?  Anyway, Bram and I gossiped about the fact that she may or may have not smiled recently.  When she returned I inspected the fish and it had the same properties of the mucus. 

Ko’bal and Gary went off on their own.  Likely for romance.  I tried to give them their privacy.  Bram double checked. For sure romance.  Gary asked Bram to join in, so for some reason we all decided to watch.  We were told Ko’bal ate the fish and drank the water.  Now he can only breathe water.  They decided this meant that the villagers were jumping in the river and now eating each other. 

Gary said he would keep an eye on Ko’bal with his head in the pail since he was already used to holding his hair up.  The Sister examined Ko’bal’s (bruised) throat and it looked like he almost grew gills. 

We went to the temple and found 7 dead aboleth spawn in the temple.  This is what happens when you drink too much aboleth mucus.  You turn into these strange creatures.  These particular ones were all dried out.  They didn’t have any physical wounds. 

We hid in the tree line to watch their communion.  Bobbie told the people gathered.  One within the cave will provide guidance under which we can prosper and Ascend to the divine.  He fed them aboleth flesh and blood and said they needed to hurry to the cave before they suffocated. 

We got to the cave and they had crucified the aboleth and were feasting off it.  Gross.  I convinced the woman holding the baby—Robert Aiden—to save herself and her child.  So it didn’t trigger anybody.  Especially someone that’s a cheater.   

Ko’bal turned into a topaz dragon and breathed on everyone else that couldn’t be convinced to come away safely with us.  The aboleth’s corpse shed broodlings.  One man ran for his life, but the rest were destroyed.  Ko’bal is really good at finishing guys in his mouth.  Gary doesn’t mind.  He kissed him passionately anyway.

I told the party that Tariq Zoubeir was once the most celebrated drum maker in all of Jamila.  I wanted a Rhythm-Maker's Drum.  Badly.  Not only to improve my music, but to improve my magic.  

The problem was that Tariq had retired 15 years ago and repeatedly refused to make any more drums.  He was living at a legendary resort in Zaryah Ma'wahe Oasis of Jamila, and that the staff there probably wouldn’t want to allow us access to him. 

We found Vigo the Dhampir wizard that would give us a teleport all the way to Jamila.  For a price.  700 gold!  I put on the charm, and offered a favor, and he knocked the price down to 500 gold for a favor owed.  He mentioned us giving him some blood which The Sister strongly objected to.  He laughed and said that we shouldn’t be so eager to give up blood to strangers.  There were some bad people out there 

The oasis was very humid.  You could see both jungles and desert.  The breeze appeared to be enchanted.  Everything smelled lovely. 

A woman named Suli gave us and extensive menu of what the resort had to offer.  Yukio dropped 1000 gold specifying it to be used for only her only.  I offered 400 gold for accommodations for the rest of us, but The Sister insisted on paying for her own way and two personal attendants.  So, in the end I came out of pocket 300 gold for Zylrie, Gary, and myself. 

After we’d had some time to relax, The Sister became an owl to scout out Tariq’s villa.  She led him to us and he allowed us into the estate.  We found out that he wasn’t Tariq at all, but a doppelganger named Cael.  15 years ago, he’d Tariq got obsessed with firemoss.  Not to smoke it, but for the resonance it created in drum making.  It could be cured into a transmutation field to be worked into an instrument.  Lady Emer of Cloudfang Keep was rumored to have the best firemoss in the whole continent.  Cael had led Tariq there and waited 3 days.  He never came back.  It was for selfish reasons he posed as Tariq.  Just wanted an easy life of gardening. 

Lady Emer’s home is a one-day trip to the mountain and then a climb.  On the way up the mountain Cael told us that she works for an order of assassins.  One time she did proclaim that she would ascend to godhood. She hired bards to sing to her assentation, that pissed off a lot of people, and that’s why she is cursed. 

We had an argument about taco salad.  Cael doesn’t share food! 

Gary caught the faint sweet, spiced scent on the air.  Firemoss.  Cael brought us to a risky looking walkway.  It led to a keep.  It didn’t appear to be in the greatest shape.  It looked old.  The door was flanked by owlbear statues.  There was a 60-foot tower.  Gary and The Sister heard the cawing of a griffon.  We decided to just walk up to the front door and knock.  We were atacked by owlbears. 

We went inside and the house appeared completely ruined.  I smelled something wonderful in a room with 2 basilisks.  Gary cast a fog cloud and we destroyed them.  They were wearing 2 golden collars labeled Blinkers and Blunders.  In two crates we found foods and firemoss with the order of the Ouroboros's Logistics.  I grabbed a brick of firemoss which was enough for 6 doses. 

In a salon we found many treasures.  Partially disassembled drum seems out of place.  A door in that salon led to the central courtyard.  We found a woman with some wyverns.  I owned up to the fact that we killed her pets because she seemed pretty cool.  She put me on my ass.  I lost track of how many times I was knocked down. 

In the end she was defeated, but at great cost.  Yukio had been petrified as well as the drum maker Tariq.  We found a vast amount of treasure and a wand of restoration with enough charges left to bring one person back from petrification.  Tariq had been stone longer, so we rescued him and got the drum.  We’ll come back for Yukio someday.  Maybe.  Probably not.  She seemed to have a death wish the way she stormed that room and refused to take cover.  On top of that she hadn’t been very nice to me.  You get stoned and miss one mission and she never let it go...

The Lost Son of House Vaelithar 

Edwina gathered us because there is some assignment in Thiramin to find a lost son of Aldric Vaelithar.  She will get Elven chain out of the deal if we are successful. His son Eiran led a party into the Pinecrest Mountains and didn’t come back.  The first few weeks was just an assumption that it was a delay in travel.  Then Aldric sent out his own scouts who didn’t even find a camp.  So we are being commissioned to find the son.  Dead or alive.  Probably dead.  Bummer. 

Aldric  said, “It’s been a number of months since I lost the boy.  My other son useless.  He doesn’t take anything seriously. Even when he tries he still fucks it up.  I’m sure you can find him at one of the taverns chasing loose women.”  Apparently Eiran mentioned in his last letter that he had traveled to Hfar before going into the mountains.  He hired a dwarven guide Thorgrim.  We should find him or his coworkers to be pointed in the right direction.  He’s heard a tale of a set of ruins deep deep in the mountains. He really should have tried something easier that that for a first mission.  Like sewer work.  The ruins past Titan’s Peek Mountain.   

In Hfar we found as big as Mimic, but look larger because they are super fluffy and adorable.  I pet them all.  The owner pulled them Thorglad.  “Took the wee elvan lad most of the way.  We won’t go there.  It’s cursed.  He doesn’t know why, he says we’ll know it when we see the mountain.  50 gold. And dragon firemoss 

There was the skeleton of something before the giants.  I can’t describe how massive it, or the sword through its chest, was.  Thorglad will wait for us 2 days.  We’ll find the ruins between these two mountains.   

Ko’bal talked about chicken clouds and Thorglad and I were so confused.  Then he started talking about his sex pillow pants.  So gross. 

We began our decent into the mountains and found the ruins.  Large smooth stone buildings coming out of the ground.  This construction was something ancient but even more than that it should have eroded long ago.  The stone is still smooth as if it was carved yesterday.  I’ve never seen anything else like this in any of the books I’ve studied.  We came to a huge set of double doors 20 feet wide and 80 feet high.  They were open just enough fora group of humanoids to squeeze through. 

Inside there was no markings on walls.  Smooth stone floors.  Edwina sent her manifest mind to scout ahead that saw some skulls and a “bird thing with weird hotdogs”.  What...?  The Sister charged in to attack it.  The Sister knew that these were aberrations that have existed longer than the cycle that anything should have lived.  She believes this place should be exterminated.  We harvested some parts. 

We found the skulls of giants outside a room full of bones.  Everything was covered in frost, but we did notice some boot prints headed down a tunnel.  We follow them to Eiran’s corpse.  His body was covered in electrical burns and a look of terror frozen on his face.  He had the armor Edwina sought, red cape, and a short sword.  Ko’bal wrapped the sword inside the cape for Aldric.  We decided to hunt the creature that killed him.   

The stonework nearby had the frost damaged as though something hot came blasting down this way.  We traveled through the tunnels and found a creature that could blast back to back lightning bolts.  Bram ended it with a haymaker.   

Thorglad was waiting for us very surprised we were alive.  We headed back to Thiramin to return the sword and cape.  Aldric gave us 240 platinum for telling him his son died with his sword in hand and that we avenged his death by destroying the monster that killed him. 
 
On the way out of town we partied with the useless son.  I now have a hook up for northern firemoss.