Bikaji, Daxo, Sevas, and I each received a mysterious black envelope sealed with red wax bearing the sigil of a black dragon. We were instructed to gather at the tavern before opening our correspondence. How delightfully clandestine.
The letter, which I shall paraphrase, explained that our mysterious benefactor sought a particular item currently being withheld by the Lathanderites. We were promised handsome compensation for retrieving this prized possession, although the author neglected to identify it beyond assuring us that we would know it when we saw it.
Enclosed was a map directing us to a temple in Dawnwater.
We warned Daxo to avoid the Lathanderites in the park during the first and last weekends of each month, as they have an unfortunate habit of sunning their anuss in public. I have nothing against unconventional religious practices, but surely the Morninglord does not require such an intimate view of his followers.
We teleported to Hollowhold and continued to Dawnwater on horseback. Unfortunately, none of the specialty packages offered by Stablemen's Stables and Carriages appealed to me, so I selected a rather ordinary black horse. I am in mourning, after all, and was pleased that the establishment could accommodate my circumstances without insisting upon something excessively cheerful.
Upon arriving at the temple, we encountered a woman engaged in precisely the activity we had warned Daxo about.
There she was, sunning her anus.
She offered some explanation involving the root chakra, the hips, and maintaining harmony with the universe. I confess I found her reasoning considerably less interesting than her apparent conviction that exposing one's anus to direct sunlight constituted spiritual enlightenment.
Talune promptly joined her, presenting his own undead posterior to the heavens.
Inside, we were informed that the temple maintained a strict policy requiring towels to be placed beneath one's bottom before sitting on the furniture. Apparently, this was necessary to preserve the cleanliness of the establishment.
The gentleman explaining this policy was a dwarf who appeared entirely hairless from the beard down. I elected not to inquire.
When questioned about our presence, I explained that we were fragile women in need of protection during our travels.
One of the Lathanderites immediately corrected me.
"There is no such thing as fragile women."
How tiresome.
I am not accustomed to being contradicted so casually, particularly when I have gone to the trouble of presenting such a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Our hairless host also informed us that the temple possessed no reliquaries or particularly valuable religious artifacts. What they did have, however, was a rather unusual pet named Rain.
Rain was a flying cat with a golden horn who had appeared at the temple not long ago. There was also a full-grown unicorn residing near the pond.
Now, that was interesting.
I recalled that unicorns are peculiar celestial creatures, generally associated with small territories they claim as their domains. Despite their celestial origins, they frequently interact with the Fey.
Rain explained that they had only recently come into existence and possessed an extraordinary fondness for cupcakes, gifts, and rainbows. They also claimed to possess the ability to smell evil.
Curiously, Rain regarded nearly everyone in our party with suspicion, except Daxo.
I found that rather rude.
After some discussion, we decided that hunting unicorns would be preferable to massacring an entire temple congregation. A sensible compromise, I thought.
Before departing, we were graciously invited to attend mass on Tuesday.
Our investigation eventually led us to an abandoned speakeasy, which seemed a rather unusual feature of the local religious landscape.
Later, while traveling through the woods, we were confronted by Rain, two Lathanderites, and a pair of giant eagles.
They attacked us.
One of the Lathanderites had a nipple painted onto their body. That was certainly a choice.
We killed them all.
Naturally, I took the opportunity to examine Rain's brain, which I subsequently consumed.
What an extraordinary experience.
Rather than the usual assortment of memories, regrets, and unpleasant revelations, I encountered an overwhelming sensation of joy. Rain had apparently existed as a herald of hopes and dreams, entirely unfamiliar with sorrow or despair.
Imagine that. An existence untouched by grief, disappointment, or the knowledge that everything beautiful must eventually perish.
How terribly incomplete.
The experience was so profoundly saccharine that I promptly vomited rainbows.
Fortunately, the experience also revealed the unicorn's location.
We tracked down the creature and encountered two pegasi accompanying it. All three were subsequently dispatched.
Our activities apparently attracted further celestial attention, as two winged creatures resembling bull and lion descended from the heavens, accompanied by two devas.
How very dramatic.
They, too, perished before us.
I do hope our mysterious benefactor appreciates the considerable trouble we endured in pursuit of this unidentified prize.
All things considered, it was a rather pleasant day. We enjoyed a lovely ride through the countryside, investigated an unusual religious establishment, encountered several fascinating celestial specimens, and witnessed a remarkable demonstration of the digestive consequences of excessive happiness.
The only truly objectionable aspect was the extraordinary number of exposed anuss.
I sincerely hope never to see another. With one exception.
